The time feels not only right, but urgent - to reflect on the journey of becoming.
I am becoming..... more and more aware of who I am - and who I am not. I recently had the opportunity to witness my past life. I walked in the room and was asked for my name and something like "the organization you represent". Whoa.... big trigger.
Loves, I didn't say that I represent a tribe of women who honor and live in integrity with the stardust elements of our being and shine - and that by doing so we illuminate the greatness in others.
I didn't say that #wearemycelium and that I represent an ecosystem of diverse growth both fueled and held together by an underground network rooted in love and support.
Maybe it was my fear, or maybe it was my genius, but I instead reverted to my name, and a title. When the vibration of those words hit walls and bounced back to my heart, I was as if I stepped back into a time when I lived entirely out of integrity with myself. I remembered how I silenced my voice and my creativity for years, and how I allowed my contribution to be limited because of another person's perception of an arbitrary "title" and how this led to feelings of cynicism, burnout and resentment. The longer I sat there, the more I felt it. It was gross. Like putting on a pair of warm, stranger's bowling shoes. Yuk.
Yet this experience validates that I am not the person I was then, and that slowly, but surely, I have returned to myself - and who I am is so much more than a title can hold. I mean, just how do you convey the critical role of mycelium in community and life?
I am becoming...... hungry for play and laughter. I am full this morning with air that is crisp and ripe with the abundance and generosity of our Creator. I feel connected to my child-self who wants nothing more than to play outside and form delectable mud treats that friends will pretend to eat and astonish at my efforts and exclaim, "Mmmmm! So Good!!"
I am becoming...... attuned to the songs of life. The season of Spring always holds notes of the ultimate Love Song of creation and sacrifice. It is a song that has been woven into the fibers of my being and create the basket that holds my spirit's experience of this life. It was sung to me at church. It was sung to me at home. And perhaps it is this spirit song that even now tickles my belly to birth this overwhelm of gratitude.
I am becoming....... alive. I remember saying, "Is this my life?" and crying ugly desperate cries. I wake up now and think, "Is this my life?" and I hug D and thank him for allowing me space to grow and choose and rest.
In this life I feel deeply connected to myself and genuinely connected to others. I practice breathing from my belly up to my collarbone. I practice noticing. I wake up at 5am and witness the earth awakening. I sit quietly and acknowledge when I feel pain and disappointment. I don't busy myself to ignore it or cover it up or "excuse it" away. I am training my eyes to filter for abundance and love.
A client recently asked me, "How did you become the person you are today?"
"It happened suddenly", I replied. "And then every day I choose again, and again, and again."
Becoming is a culmination of a thousand little choices that seem insignificant until the moment it all comes together and you step away and see the bigger picture.
A year ago, I could not have imagined who I would become. The greyer, softer, resilient person, surrounded by a circle of women who carry me when I am weak and sing to me when I am strong. A person who can hold tension without reacting with an "F-bomb". A person who drinks kombucha. A person leaning in to the truth that my Creator's plan is to prosper and not to harm me, to give me a future and a hope.
As you read this, I hope it stirs something in your belly. Awareness of who you are becoming and what titles no longer align to your integrity. I hope you hear the child still inside you - calling you to play. I hope the songs of your life catch your attention and you begin to sway from your root to your crown to the melody of love. And I hope you become so alive - right in this moment - knowing there is a future and hope for your life.
The blue morning skies have given way to heavy afternoon clouds and I'm listening to the drumming of raindrops as they roll off the edges of the roof onto the ground below. The mud is perfect and calling to me.
It's time to play.